Confession: I’m 43 and I don’t know what I want to do when I grow up. Or what my passions are most days. Am I even a grown up? Some days I don’t feel like one.
I know that sounds like crazy talk. I’m married. I have two kids and a dog and a full-time job in public affairs that I enjoy and that I’m good at. I’ve been recognized at work for some of my achievements.
But some days (most days) I feel like an imposter. Or that I should be so much farther along in my life or know more things. There are days where I can’t believe I’m even a parent and in charge of two little humans (let’s be honest here, they are actually in charge of me). I’m trying not to bash myself here but it’s hard.
The other day I used my favorite tool that I use when I don’t know the answer for something or am trying to learn more about something: Google. God bless Google. I mean, sure I can find myself doom scrolling if I have a health question but damn Google can find it all and then some. Thanks to Google I found this scarymommy article and felt slightly less alone.
However what I’ve been learning about myself and what I’ve been trying to preach on here a bit is making more time for your self and the activities you want.
This summer, I’ve set a small goal to learn more about the creative outlets I like – not just this blog but to learn more social media skills. I like to be creative but not arty if that makes sense – don’t ask me to go to a paint night and expect a masterpiece – I’m there for the wine mainly. I do want to focus on things I like: dogs, reading, finding fun things for my kids and how to share that with the world.
And yes, while my blog posts can sometimes feel a little all over the place, maybe this process will too. But I’m here and ready to learn.
When working, I frequently need something published on our website and sometimes it’s not always visible right away – that’s when the web team tells me to do a hard refresh or Ctrl F5 to see my article all fresh and new.
That term has been stuck in my mind lately as I’ve felt I’ve needed a hard refresh – or reset as I also call it.
As a mom of littles, solo breaks are few and far between. Sure, I get out and have dinner with friends once a month or so, try and get to the gym and of course, my kids are at school/daycare (now summer camp and daycare) while I’m working but lately I’ve have just been drained. Needing a break. Snappy with people and my kids(which I hate). Even my brain seemed fried.
I’m a girl who craves routines. Needs them. And over the last month, routine was hard to come by – fortunately something I knew would happen – but hard nonetheless.
Here was our May: My husband always has a work conference he has to go to in May – that turned into 5 days away. Then he came back (on Mother’s Day) and we leapt into end of the year activities for our 1st grader, gymnastics shows for both girls and preparing for vacation. We went on a nice vacation – again, no routine but hey that’s vacation and came back to a basement that had gotten water into it due to a sump pump power failure (yay). My 6 year old was home the week we got back from vacation due to the fact that her school is done very early and summer camps don’t start til the second week of June. So we were juggling that, working and our basement issue. This week she started camp but my 3 year old was off for two days as their daycare transitioned classrooms. And at work, we had a huge computer issue resulting in me having no work computer the last week.
This is, of course, in addition to all the “normal” stuff – taking care of the dog, getting the meals, carpooling to things, hearing “Mom! mom! Mom!”, breaking up sibling fights, laundry…the list goes on. By the way – I’ve been trying to teach my girls a new word called “Dad” who is usually right with them while they are yelling my name. Think it will work?
Oh – and did I mention my in-laws are visiting? 🥴🫠
I needed a hard refresh. So I took advantage of the in-laws visiting. I figured they could help my husband out a little so I went on a getaway. To breathe. To sleep. To reboot and recharge.
Do I feel a little guilty? A tiny bit. It wouldn’t be me if I didn’t. Sometimes I feel like I should be around my kids 24/7. Like I don’t deserve breaks or don’t deserve to put myself first. Which is silly because everyone needs breaks and I want to show my girls it’s ok too. And yes it is Father’s Day weekend but I’ll be back for that and he’s spending one on one time with his kids! Which I did on my Mother’s Day weekend when he was away. And the in-laws? I saw them Wednesday and Thursday. Check. Check. Check.
I’m happy I was able to do this for me. And while I keep having to remind myself it’s ok to do this, to not have to be there 24/7, I hope if you are reading this and seeking some sort of permission, here it is: GO. Do what YOU neeed to do for you. You don’t have to be everything to everyone 24/7.
I’ll be back at my regular “flight attendant” duties soon. And whilr parenting is never easy, I’ll at least have had a little hard refresh.
You know what the worst part about vacation is? Not the packing, not the “are we there yets?” from kids if you have them, not even the expense…
Nope. It’s the last day. You know when you still want to enjoy beach and pool time (or wherever you are) but also know that leaving awaits you. It’s such a melancholy day for me.
I am not a huge traveler – much more of a homebody but at the beginning of each summer we spend a week in Hilton Head Island, SC with my parents. I’ve been coming here since I was literally in utero, only missing a few years here and there. My parents are still thankfully healthy enough to travel down here for a few weeks and my husband and I are lucky enough to join them for a week with our little kids. And yes, for the record, I will acknowledge how lucky I am that I’m in my early forties and my parents still take me on vacation. It’s a familiar “home away from home” for someone who doesn’t like to travel and I’ve enjoyed having my girls do many of the same things I did growing up.
And then that last day comes. Maybe it would be better if we didn’t live 12 hours away and I didn’t have to play flight attendant for my kids as my husband drives. But that last day as I’m taking pictures, enjoying the beach and pool and trying to pack, the voice in my head screams “vacations over, time to go back to real life.” And honestly real life is fine – I’m ready to go back. I like work. I miss our dog like crazy. I miss our routine.
but…I also love all of us together. Being under the same roof as my parents. Not rushing around to school or extracurricular activities. Ignoring the news. Having ice cream treats in the middle of the day. Dreaming of living at the beach.
When that last day comes and the tears threaten and I try to just be present, it’s so damn hard. The tears start to form and I find myself actually just ready to “travel by map” as they say in the Muppets and be home. Just be done with it.
BUT
How lucky am I to have something so hard to say goodbye to? How lucky am I to have my parents who still want to go on vacation with us and our crew? How lucky am I to show my girls all the stuff I love ? So I’ll take that melancholy feeling along with something I say to the ocean every year “thanks for a great time. Hope to see you next year – if not before.”
I think I’ve said it on here before: I love a routine. I love a schedule. Don’t get me wrong – I like free time but too much of it has almost always made me anxious.
When I look back, I can see I’ve always loved routines and schedules. Knowing what was coming each day, having a plan, knowing where everyone was. That has always soothed me. I don’t think I realized how much until I got to college and was on my own for the first time – I loved the breaks in between classes, knowing what was coming next but the weekends sometimes unmoored me – yes, I loved sleeping in or going to a game or a party but honestly, 48 hours without “hey you have to be at this place!” could sometimes be unsettling. Same with if my parents went away – I hated that I didn’t know “oh they are at work right now, or now they are coming home, etc.”, it didn’t consume me but I feel I’ve always been my best when I’ve had plans or knew that there were certain tasks I needed to do everyday.
side note – does this make me a control freak???
You know what can be great and awful for routines? Kids! Toddlers especially if I am being honest. Everyone talks about the importance of a schedule and I completely agree! Wake up times, nap times, bed times, etc are awesome and I firmly believe kids do better with routines and schedules…but….you are also dealing with another creature who may not care about how important routines or schedules are to you. Who cares if you have to get to school by 8 am, the toddler needs to make her pretend meal in the kitchen (while not eating her actual real meal). Want to get everyone into bed by 8? Of course that’s the time the 6 year old decides to perfect her Simone Biles floor routine. And of course, all routines and schedules go out the door whenever they are sick (which we dealt with this week).
So, how does someone like me try to carve out some routine when everything around me is…not that? Well outside the obvious things I have to do with schedules (work), I try to also have other scheduled things like: yoga video every weekday morning before work or walks after dinner (you can read about my self care routine). I try to plan at least one activity for the kids on the weekend – though my husband doesn’t want us to be trying schedule maniacs but I also like having something like “we are going to the science center Saturday,” or even a playground visit. I also just like getting out of the house. Even just a little routine goes a long way for me.
Now we are getting into the fall and the back to school routine, new gymnastic classes and trying to find a new hobby for myself.
your turn – do you like schedules and routines? Fly by the seat of your pants? What things help you when routines fly out the window?
Anyone remember where that song lyric came from? I certainly did not until I hopped in the car last weekend as I was getting ready for my eldest daughter’s 6th birthday party. It’s from the Papa Roach song called Scars released in 2004 when I was 22. I thought – holy crap, yep, I care way too much about things! But I’m trying to let some things go and this post is all about self care and some things I’ve done to help me be a bit more balanced…
Yoga Yoga Yoga – Throughout the years I’ve done a lot of yoga at various studios and at home – hot yoga, power yoga, restorative yoga, prenatal yoga. There’s the cutest little studio right around the corner from me and when it first opened, I tried to go to a bunch of classes but I’m one of those people that if I missed a class, I’d fall off the wagon and not go for awhile…so I rectified that and now I mainly do free YouTube Yoga with Adrienne videos. My approach to this is that my husband takes the girls to school/daycare each morning. As soon as they leave, I put a video on – some days I only have 10 minutes, sometimes I do 20. But I like her variety.
2. Walk this way – I’m all about the song lyrics today! I walk a lot – with the girls, with the dog etc but I’m not talking about those walks (though getting outside anytime definitely helps). Awhile back I realized on walks I do with Tucker, I’m taking care of him, making sure he goes potty, gets his exercise and doesn’t eat poop (I know, gross). But am I really taking care of myself? I guess I am a little bit but not as much as if I did it alone. So, most nights after dinner and before bedtime routines start, I’ve taken to doing a loop around the neighborhood and just taken everything in. It’s really been nice to have that breather after dinner and before bedtime battles begin.
3. Reading – I love to read – always has. I have a great imagination and books just help it expand. However, I definitely haven’t read as much as I’d like to in the last few years so one of my resolutions this year was to read at least 5 books this year. It’s mid July and I’ve already read 8! I try and read during lunch time or before bed and that’s also really helped with sleep.
Of course, I’d be lying if I didn’t say I’d love weekly massages, unlimited pool time and some uninterrupted Netflix days, but I am doing what I can, when I can. Most days I’m able to do at least 1 of the things I mentioned above.
For almost 3 years I have worked from home – while my work has a physical location in Virginia, most everyone is remote. I love it – it’s perfect as a mom and especially works because my husband sometimes travels or frequently has night conference calls and working remotely allows me to get dinner ready, do laundry, walk the dog and not feel as overwhelmed like I would if I had to go to an office and work. I am super productive and can multitask like Simone Biles can sail through the air and make it look effortless. But, we all know it’s not and I’m also incredibly isolated. Not being from this area, I don’t have a core group of girlfriends nor do I seem to make women friends easily. I’ve joined Facebook groups for moms but it seems like every event there’s a conflict for me or is maybe not something I am interested in. Or it seems like plans would be made with a fellow mom friend and then we’d have to cancel because of the inevitable sickness. I’m also one of those people who could do one thing socially one week and then be OK for like 3 months being a hermit though lately I’ve felt the push to want to do more. I’ve had a lot of lonely days lately honestly.
I thought this year would be an opening – and it has been, but not as fast as I like. I’ve always heard when your kid starts elementary school, that’s a good place to find parent friends…well, that’s still very much a work in progress. Many of her classmates have moms who either have kids in higher grades so they’ve cemented friendships already or, as I’ve said before, they grew up here and aren’t too interested in expanding their friend group (or at least that’s how it feels on the outside looking in). I’ve done some mingling – I’ve joined the PTO so we’ll see. Frankly, I’ve actually had a bit more luck with Poppy’s 2 year old class. Part of that is because Poppy is a social butterfly. Not shy like Maggie and will play with almost anyone (though I must say I’m so damn proud of Maggie – she’s come so far and is one reason I’m working on making Mom friends).
I saw this social media meme recently that really resonated with me and I think that’s maybe why I’m feeling a certain way. With an almost 6 year old and almost 3 year old, some things are way easier and it’s easier to remember what I was once like.
I hope in a few months, I can report back that I’m starting to make a core group of friends. I admit, I’m not super optimistic – I’ve made some strides this year with opening myself up and also doing things for myself, but I’m pretty sure my therapist would be pushing for more if I could ever get into see her.
So, if you are a parent, how did you make friends? What did you do to care for yourself? I realize I didn’t really talk too much about self-care here…next time!
Taylor Swift fans will recognize the lyric which seems to resonate with a lot of people. While I don’t think I cry too much, I definitely get overwhelmed a lot but I am so.damn.productive.
It’s hard to know where to start. Maybe I’ll just start with a little background. After having my first daughter in 2018, I definitely had postpartum anxiety. Except I didn’t know what it was at the time. I would be fine with her going to daycare but as soon as work was over, I would speed to get her and I hated to be away from her ever. After she turned a year old, I saw a tberapist who basically was like, you need to get a life. I started to go to some yoga classes, getting all little more social and was feeling a bit better and then bam March 2020 and COVID happened. And we all know the isolation that brought.
I had to return to in-person work 3 months after and so Maggie returned to daycare but we were super careful and didn’t go out a lot or do things with others. I was also in the midst of fertility treatments for my second. Because of my age and the thought that I didn’t want to stay at my then job for a long time, we wanted to do the treatments because my insurance covered it…through the fall of 2020 and spring 2021 we were super careful even after getting our vaccines as I was pregnant. And frankly, I was busy raising a toddler, dealing with a hard pregnancy and working in addition to a global pandemic. I couldn’t handle anymore.
When Poppy arrived in August 2021 the world was slowly getting back to some normalcy but I still dealt with many daycare closures during my maternity leave and after due to COVID exposures and again, we didn’t do a whole lot that wasn’t an outside activity. And then right as Poppy was going to daycare, I got a new job – 100 percent work from home remote. Woo! The quality of life after working in a political office was and is refreshing but it can also be very lonely to work from home…
More than 3 years since I wrote in this blog. Oops, sorry. I’d say life happened and that’s both true and untrue. Because while a lot of life has happened, I’ve struggled many a times with what I’m doing (or not doing) with MY life.
So here’s a very abbreviated version of what I’ve been up to for the last 3 years:
That baby in my belly I wrote about last time is now almost 3. It’s a girl so we now have two girls (and the then 2 year old is now almost 6!) and a crazy golden retriever.
During maternity leave – which was definitely not as peaceful as the first time with the fact that I was recovering from an unplanned c-section and also dealing with COVID closures of daycare, I got a new job where I work from home (yay!!)
I sort of lost myself, sort of found myself, lost myself again…it’s an ongoing thing.
That leads me back to this blog. Truthfully, I thought I had deleted it/cancelled my subscription and then realized I hadn’t (thanks to an automatic bill renewal email!). I thought, well let’s try this thing again. Maybe I’ll find something I’m looking for. Maybe some sort of passion will be reignited in me. Because frankly, I’ve been doing a lot of living for two little ones the past several years and not a lot of living for me. Which I know is typical of parents of babies and toddlers. They sort of lose themselves along the way. So I’m trying to find myself again. Or maybe, find the pieces of my old self I liked and pair it with stuff my new self that I like.
I hope you’ll follow along with me on this journey – and hopefully my next entry won’t be in 3 more years but I can’t make any promises – I am after all, a work in progress.
Excuse my language, but that’s how I can sum up first trimester pregnancies. If I’m being honest, it’s probably the whole 40 weeks of pregnancy, but especially the first trimester. I’m almost 18 weeks along (and guess what, I started a draft of this blog right after I finished by first trimester and look how great I’ve been at posting it? #MomLife #WorkLIfe #ToddlerandDoglife.
So how did we get here? Certainly not the ‘conventional” way….just like our first child, we went the IVF route, using one of our frozen embryos. Beginning in November, I started estrogen and progesterone shots for my embryo transfer that was on December 10. For all those people who have those cute onesies that say “Proof Mom and Dad didn’t socially distance,. I want one that says “Proof Mom and Dad did socially distance. #IVFbaby.”
I have been to every single fertility appointment and OB appointment solo. For the transfer, I had to drive down to Valley Forge for a 3 PM transfer by myself because Jason had to make sure to get Maggie from daycare (he wasn’t allowed inside anyway so I guess it wasn’t a huge deal). Anyway, we found out right before Christmas that I was, with child and while elated, that is when the worrying begins. It also didn’t stop the shots – I had to continue those until January 31 and let me tell you, getting shots nightly in the ass area is not exactly the funnest thing in the world.
Now, I will say I have been slightly less stressed with Baby Number 2 – who we affectionately call Sprout because we aren’t finding out the gender. It’s both easier and harder to be pregnant again – first with Maggie I had some bleeding early on so that freaked me out but turned out to be nothing. So far, I have not had that but I do have some high blood pressure that is being controlled by medication and they are watching that closely because I am “older” now. I definitely have more nausea and fatigue than last time though. This is perhaps due to chasing after a 2 year old while also working full time. Fortunately, I haven’t gotten sick that much, but sometimes the nausea alone is enough to cause issues.
Sprout doesn’t seem to always like sweets which is a real bummer because I love sweets. Early on, Sprout didn’t seem to like pizza, but I had a little chat with Sprout, and let’s just say, pizza is back on the table. No one messes with pizza. With Maggie, I avoided caffeinated beverages until the third trimester when I took sips of Coke here and there and never ate a deli meat. This time? I’ve already had some Coke and have definitely heated up some lunch meats. I’m trying to be as careful as possible, but sometimes you just got to give yourself some grace.
But, this brings me to my title. There are days I feel great – like barely pregnant and I’m like holy shit, what is wrong??? Basically, if I don’t feel nauseous, I’m worried that something is wrong. The bump is there, but the worry never quite goes away.
As for what Maggie knows? She knows “sometimes Mommy’s tummy hurts and she has to lay down.” She also saw me from time to time getting shots and would say “Mommy does shots, Daddy helps.” She even takes the meat thermometer and thinks it’s my shots. Heaven only knows what she might be telling her teachers at daycare. I have also told her there is a baby in Mommy’s tummy but I am 100 percent sure she doesn’t get that. As for Tucker, I know he knows, he just chooses to ignore the fact.
So, we are baby stepping our way to the end of August when Sprout should make his or her arrival. If you want to send good thoughts and/or prayers, that would be greatly appreciated. And as always, I am very mindful that this announcement can trigger some feelings in those who are trying for a baby or have had miscarriages – please know that I am always here to listen and always here to share my fertility story.
Make Lemonade! Actually, that’s probably the one thing we have not done during our COVID-19 quarantine! I did bake brownies with Maggie once and that was enough fun for me.
As I mentioned in my last post, with Maggie home from daycare from mid March to mid June, I knew we had to come up with some fun ideas to keep her toddler brain occupied. While she’s not one to sit and watch anything for a long period of time on TV, she is OBSESSED with the phone and iPad and watching YouTube kids (Hello, Blippi!) and I knew that I did not want her to have too much of that.
My mom got me these two books – Play and Learn Toddler Activities Book by Andrea Thayer and the Rainy Day Toddler Activity Book by Krissy Bonning-Gould which contain a lot of great ideas for toddlers and even older kids. I utilized those as well as many Instagram accounts for toddler ideas and sensory play. I was also fortunate that her daycare teachers sent a long a lot of fun activities.
So, I really really suck at crafts. Like, anything I make rarely turns out the way I see it in a picture. But you know what? Who cares. I was doing it with a toddler who isn’t super verbal so she couldn’t make fun of me anyway. I could tell the dog was sometimes judging me though.
I started to get crafty with my ideas and learning – we had the very hungry Caterpillar book so I cut out shapes and had her make a caterpillar. She loves the Wheels on the Bus song so we did a bus craft. Ditto for the Crayons books – we made a crayons craft. I also made my own Play-Doh (and then bought actual play-doh). All the time I was thinking to myself: WHO AM I???? WHAT HAVE I BECOME?? and then racking my brain for the next day’s activities.
Of course, I never forced her to do anything – if she didn’t want to do a craft, she didn’t have to. If she wanted to play independently (which was rare, she usually liked me right there), she could. These were just things I had to get us to nap time or bed time. For us, if Maggie’s bored, it usually leads to meltdowns…
NO.ONE.WANTS.MELTDOWNS.
Here are some non-crafty ideas:
A water table is a MUST toy for you – Why? Because you can use it INSIDE OR OUT. I pulled it out of storage in late April and let her play with it in the basement and she loved throwing her toys in there. When it got warmer, it went outside for water playtime.
Plastic Eggs – We pulled these out before Easter and she would do little Easter Egg hunts.
Walks Walks Walks. She’s only now starting to get interested in digging in the dirt, playing with rocks (UGGGHHH) but she loves being outside. The downside is she’s not really into her stroller anymore so walking her and Tucker at the same time is difficult for one person.
What are some ideas you have that have successfully kept your kid’s attention? Let me know in the comments section!
My Life is a Work in Progress 