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The working mom (parent) guilt trip

Well, it’s been a year since I last wrote. Oops. But life has lifed. A lot. And I’ll try and get it to that as I try to write more and somehow try to make this blog a thing…but today I want to talk about one thing that’s been weighing on my mind quite a bit.

Working mom guilt (I’ll also say parent – dads get it too but since I’m writing about myself here and my experience, it’s working mom guilt).

I have always worked. I like working. I fully believe I am a better parent because I work. My kids have always been in daycare or summer camp. Do I wrestle with guilt about that? Yes, sometimes, but they’ve also experienced so many wonderful things about daycare and summer camp and that has helped simmer my guilt.

Until April. When the working mom guilt really hit the fan.

In fairness, when summer hits, that guilt has always hit the fan a little – I find myself wishing I could not work and just take them to the pool (ha, like we could afford that on one income!) or do fun activities (again, see the one income thing) as I think about the sky high cost of summer camp and the continued cost of daycare…but this April did a number on me.

In April, we were very abruptly told that due to financial problems, our 4 year old’s daycare would be shutting down. In 2 weeks. Yes, you heard that right. We had two weeks to find other care for our Pre-Ker. Do we have it luckier than some who have younger kids? Yes. We only need the care for a few months before she goes off to the wonderful world of kindergarten. But still. Hello anxiety!

So:

Find a new daycare. And lo and behold, while I thought our existing daycare was among the pricier ones, we quickly found out that was NOT the case.

Completely uproot her from her friends and teachers she’s known since birth (again, everyone was going through it so it wasn’t use singled out but still).

Deal with our own emotions of being with a place we loved since 2018 and having it all just disintegrate so quickly.

We did find a place and I tried to focus on the positives – It was closer to home! One of her friends from her old daycare would join her in June! It would all be great for my social butterfly who loves loves school. Sure there would be an adjustment but just a few days, right? And we were going on vacation so really she just needed to get through 3 weeks and then it would be beach time.

Those 3 weeks drained us. She cried everyday. She hated drop offs. She begged us to come pick her up early. Yes, she would be fine after a bit they said. Yes I got pictures that showed her engaging in activities. Yes I know she’s 4 and it takes time to settle in after a major change (hello! My parents moved me my senior year of high school, I should know!)

But my brain kept picking at me (and truthfully still is) – why do I have to work? Can I just try and swing some summer off time/triage a bit so she’s not there everyday? Why can’t I be like some people who don’t have to work or just work part time?

Oh, and I didn’t even explain that my 7 year old will now be going to a new summer camp because the old one was connected to our daycare and everything that was part of a once thriving center was shut down. So now I also have to learn how to trust a whole new camp program.

Guilt. Guilt guilt. But in order to live the lifestyle we live, I have to work. But not only that, I keep coming back to this:

I like to work. I’m thankful beyond belief that I can work from home which has saved me more times than I can count. That offers me flexibility when my kid’s school ends in mid May and camps don’t start until mid June.

I’m showing my girls that it’s ok for Mom to work. To create products she’s proud of. And that they are still well taken care of when we are working outside of the house (also let’s be honest, my job at work is way easier than being a mom).

And that Mom is a better parent with the village of educators and camp counselors we have around us.

But yes, the guilt still guilts. She had a good drop off today after vacation because her friend is now there. Will that happen everyday? God I sure hope so but I am also not holding my breath. I also sure hope summer camp goes well for my 7 year old…

I keep reminding myself – change is Ok. And that it’s ok to feel guilt about working – and also totally fine if you don’t feel guilty about working. I’m also reminding myself it’s OK to feel scared or nervous but to keep pushing forward because change is messy but sometimes change gives us the biggest blessings in life and opens more doors than we could ever imagine.

So thanks for staying with me. And I hope to open some more doors this summer too.

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kids Life Parenting

My weakness is I care too much

Anyone remember where that song lyric came from? I certainly did not until I hopped in the car last weekend as I was getting ready for my eldest daughter’s 6th birthday party. It’s from the Papa Roach song called Scars released in 2004 when I was 22. I thought – holy crap, yep, I care way too much about things! But I’m trying to let some things go and this post is all about self care and some things I’ve done to help me be a bit more balanced…

  1. Yoga Yoga Yoga – Throughout the years I’ve done a lot of yoga at various studios and at home – hot yoga, power yoga, restorative yoga, prenatal yoga. There’s the cutest little studio right around the corner from me and when it first opened, I tried to go to a bunch of classes but I’m one of those people that if I missed a class, I’d fall off the wagon and not go for awhile…so I rectified that and now I mainly do free YouTube Yoga with Adrienne videos. My approach to this is that my husband takes the girls to school/daycare each morning. As soon as they leave, I put a video on – some days I only have 10 minutes, sometimes I do 20. But I like her variety.

2. Walk this way – I’m all about the song lyrics today! I walk a lot – with the girls, with the dog etc but I’m not talking about those walks (though getting outside anytime definitely helps). Awhile back I realized on walks I do with Tucker, I’m taking care of him, making sure he goes potty, gets his exercise and doesn’t eat poop (I know, gross). But am I really taking care of myself? I guess I am a little bit but not as much as if I did it alone. So, most nights after dinner and before bedtime routines start, I’ve taken to doing a loop around the neighborhood and just taken everything in. It’s really been nice to have that breather after dinner and before bedtime battles begin.

3. Reading – I love to read – always has. I have a great imagination and books just help it expand. However, I definitely haven’t read as much as I’d like to in the last few years so one of my resolutions this year was to read at least 5 books this year. It’s mid July and I’ve already read 8! I try and read during lunch time or before bed and that’s also really helped with sleep.

Of course, I’d be lying if I didn’t say I’d love weekly massages, unlimited pool time and some uninterrupted Netflix days, but I am doing what I can, when I can. Most days I’m able to do at least 1 of the things I mentioned above.

What are some things that help you?

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kids Life Parenting

lonely.

Part II

For almost 3 years I have worked from home – while my work has a physical location in Virginia, most everyone is remote. I love it – it’s perfect as a mom and especially works because my husband sometimes travels or frequently has night conference calls and working remotely allows me to get dinner ready, do laundry, walk the dog and not feel as overwhelmed like I would if I had to go to an office and work. I am super productive and can multitask like Simone Biles can sail through the air and make it look effortless. But, we all know it’s not and I’m also incredibly isolated. Not being from this area, I don’t have a core group of girlfriends nor do I seem to make women friends easily. I’ve joined Facebook groups for moms but it seems like every event there’s a conflict for me or is maybe not something I am interested in. Or it seems like plans would be made with a fellow mom friend and then we’d have to cancel because of the inevitable sickness. I’m also one of those people who could do one thing socially one week and then be OK for like 3 months being a hermit though lately I’ve felt the push to want to do more. I’ve had a lot of lonely days lately honestly.

I thought this year would be an opening – and it has been, but not as fast as I like. I’ve always heard when your kid starts elementary school, that’s a good place to find parent friends…well, that’s still very much a work in progress. Many of her classmates have moms who either have kids in higher grades so they’ve cemented friendships already or, as I’ve said before, they grew up here and aren’t too interested in expanding their friend group (or at least that’s how it feels on the outside looking in). I’ve done some mingling – I’ve joined the PTO so we’ll see. Frankly, I’ve actually had a bit more luck with Poppy’s 2 year old class. Part of that is because Poppy is a social butterfly. Not shy like Maggie and will play with almost anyone (though I must say I’m so damn proud of Maggie – she’s come so far and is one reason I’m working on making Mom friends).

I saw this social media meme recently that really resonated with me and I think that’s maybe why I’m feeling a certain way. With an almost 6 year old and almost 3 year old, some things are way easier and it’s easier to remember what I was once like.

I hope in a few months, I can report back that I’m starting to make a core group of friends. I admit, I’m not super optimistic – I’ve made some strides this year with opening myself up and also doing things for myself, but I’m pretty sure my therapist would be pushing for more if I could ever get into see her.

So, if you are a parent, how did you make friends? What did you do to care for yourself? I realize I didn’t really talk too much about self-care here…next time!

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kids Life Parenting

I cry a lot but I am so productive Part 1

Taylor Swift fans will recognize the lyric which seems to resonate with a lot of people. While I don’t think I cry too much, I definitely get overwhelmed a lot but I am so.damn.productive.

It’s hard to know where to start. Maybe I’ll just start with a little background. After having my first daughter in 2018, I definitely had postpartum anxiety. Except I didn’t know what it was at the time. I would be fine with her going to daycare but as soon as work was over, I would speed to get her and I hated to be away from her ever. After she turned a year old, I saw a tberapist who basically was like, you need to get a life. I started to go to some yoga classes, getting all little more social and was feeling a bit better and then bam March 2020 and COVID happened. And we all know the isolation that brought.

I had to return to in-person work 3 months after and so Maggie returned to daycare but we were super careful and didn’t go out a lot or do things with others. I was also in the midst of fertility treatments for my second. Because of my age and the thought that I didn’t want to stay at my then job for a long time, we wanted to do the treatments because my insurance covered it…through the fall of 2020 and spring 2021 we were super careful even after getting our vaccines as I was pregnant. And frankly, I was busy raising a toddler, dealing with a hard pregnancy and working in addition to a global pandemic. I couldn’t handle anymore.

When Poppy arrived in August 2021 the world was slowly getting back to some normalcy but I still dealt with many daycare closures during my maternity leave and after due to COVID exposures and again, we didn’t do a whole lot that wasn’t an outside activity. And then right as Poppy was going to daycare, I got a new job – 100 percent work from home remote. Woo! The quality of life after working in a political office was and is refreshing but it can also be very lonely to work from home…

Stay tuned for part 2!

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kids Life Parenting

When Life Hands you Lemons…

Make Lemonade! Actually, that’s probably the one thing we have not done during our COVID-19 quarantine! I did bake brownies with Maggie once and that was enough fun for me.

As I mentioned in my last post, with Maggie home from daycare from mid March to mid June, I knew we had to come up with some fun ideas to keep her toddler brain occupied. While she’s not one to sit and watch anything for a long period of time on TV, she is OBSESSED with the phone and iPad and watching YouTube kids (Hello, Blippi!) and I knew that I did not want her to have too much of that.

My mom got me these two books – Play and Learn Toddler Activities Book  by Andrea Thayer and the Rainy Day Toddler Activity Book by Krissy Bonning-Gould which contain a lot of great ideas for toddlers and even older kids. I utilized those as well as many Instagram accounts for toddler ideas and sensory play. I was also fortunate that her daycare teachers sent a long a lot of fun activities.

So, I really really suck at crafts. Like, anything I make rarely turns out the way I see it in a picture. But you know what? Who cares. I was doing it with a toddler who isn’t super verbal so she couldn’t make fun of me anyway. I could tell the dog was sometimes judging me though.

I started to get crafty with my ideas and learning – we had the very hungry Caterpillar book so I cut out shapes and had her make a caterpillar. She loves the Wheels on the Bus song so we did a bus craft. Ditto for the Crayons books – we made a crayons craft. I also made my own Play-Doh (and then bought actual play-doh). All the time I was thinking to myself: WHO AM I???? WHAT HAVE I BECOME?? and then racking my brain for the next day’s activities.

Of course, I never forced her to do anything – if she didn’t want to do a craft, she didn’t have to. If she wanted to play independently (which was rare, she usually liked me right there), she could. These were just things I had to get us to nap time or bed time. For us, if Maggie’s bored, it usually leads to meltdowns…

NO.ONE.WANTS.MELTDOWNS.

Here are some non-crafty ideas:

  • A water table is a MUST toy for you – Why? Because you can use it INSIDE OR OUT. I pulled it out of storage in late April and let her play with it in the basement and she loved throwing her toys in there. When it got warmer, it went outside for water playtime.
  • Plastic Eggs – We pulled these out before Easter and she would do little Easter Egg hunts.
  • Walks Walks Walks. She’s only now starting to get interested in digging in the dirt, playing with rocks (UGGGHHH) but she loves being outside. The downside is she’s not really into her stroller anymore so walking her and Tucker at the same time is difficult for one person.

What are some ideas you have that have successfully kept your kid’s attention? Let me know in the comments section!

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kids Life Parenting

Parenting in a Pandemic

Minus being a dog mom (which I do think trains you well for being a parent of children when you have a needy dog like I do), I’m relatively new to this whole parenting thing. I always say I’m a “new mom”, despite the fact that my daughter just turned 2 because quite frankly, everything is freaking new. 

Back in March when the world stopped turning and all our workplaces and daycares and schools shut down, I was both relieved and terrified. Relieved that we had the ability to work from home and that she was too young to process anything going on. Terrified as to how we were going to handle it all with a then 20 month old toddler (not to mention her easily excited 6 year old golden retriever brother). And of course, I was terrified about all of the unknown of COVID-19. I mean, where in the parenting guidebook is the chapter “How to parent in a Pandemic?” Is that covered under “how not to shit your pants?” 

I have learned that my little one thrives when there is a routine (as does her Mama), so I sprang into action. Back in January, I had actually taken a picture of her daycare “schedule,” because I am a helicopter Mom and having an App for Daycare just isn’t enough for this woman…nope, I had to get the schedule too. Well, I modeled our days at home after that schedule. I started to come up with themes and crafts and stories. Every night or every other night, I’d come up with activities for the next day so we weren’t flying completely blind. 

My husband and I worked to take turns parenting for the morning and afternoon unless there was crazy stuff happening at work because us just doing an hour on, an hour off was too jarring for her. I ordered lots of new toys and art supplies. We went on lots of walks. We did Zoom with my parents. And fortunately, her daycare provided 3 days a week of Zoom storytimes, music times and Shabbat that was a half hour each morning.  We did this until June 22 when her daycare reopened partially and she was able to go back. 

I make this sound so easy breezy, when in reality, here are some things that happened:
* She stopped sleeping through the night. So did the dog. 

* I felt so stressed from work, coming up with activities, parenting and dealing with the scaries of the world that I would cry frequently, worry and stress.

*Not every activity was a hit, we didn’t follow the schedule to a T (what toddler does?) and sometimes naps were not in a crib but on one of us.

 * I ended up taking the COVID leave that work offered because I got to a point where I just couldn’t do it all and not have meltdowns. Even with my husband,  let’s be honest – the bulk of childcare rests squarely on Mom’s shoulders. 

BUT because I try to be positive, here are some really awesome things that happened 

*Hello! We got extra time with her in a time of her life that goes by in a blink of an eye. 

*While there was a lot to balance, I didn’t feel rushed at home like I would normally when it’s time to go to work, daycare, dinnertime, bathtime, etc… the commute was easy and hello yoga pants uniform!* I got to see the awesome work her daycare does on a daily basis with their Zoom calls. It was so cool to see her “interact” with the programming. They were seriously lifesavers. 

*I got to see her progress on skills and was much more focused on quality time. *I got to be really creative and some of the things I found out to do were so fun!

Now that she’s back at daycare and I’m physically at work, I still struggle if we are doing the right thing, but daycare has been going above and beyond with their safety protocols. I also struggle with the fact that I could pass it on to her because of people not following protocols. I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to wear a mask, socially distance and wash your hands. 

Even with things opening back up here in PA, we are still not going anywhere and and sometimes that’s really hard on the weekend because I am back to trying to come up with things to occupy a toddler’s time. Thank goodness for a mostly shady backyard and an inflatable pool and water table! I do wonder if she’s like, why aren’t I going into stores or out to eat? Yes, those places are open but we are choosing to be extra vigilant. 
In my next post, I’ll document some of the craft ideas and other things we have done and the hits and misses. For now, for those still stuck at home, give yourself GRACE. You are doing the best you can. You are MORE than enough for your little one, for your family, for friends.